


September 2005

by gothclark



Series: freak4ever - the Journal of Clark Kent [27]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Angst, M/M, Wordcount: 5.000-10.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-28
Updated: 2013-04-28
Packaged: 2017-12-09 19:25:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/777135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gothclark/pseuds/gothclark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clark tries to readjust to life on the farm, but has a hard time. Edge goes after Clark's family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	September 2005

02 @ 11:01 am

Edge tracked me down to my home. He dropped in on me yesterday and threatened, in a very unsubtle way, to tell the media where Lex really was all summer. This is bad. I can handle it, but it's really bad. I had to be him, Kal.

He wants the package I took from Lionel or else. I told him I don't have it, because there is no way I'm going to let that jerk control my life. He totally pissed me off. I wanted to tear him a new one, but that would probably not be the best way to handle this whole thing. Instead I did something really stupid; I ripped the door off his car. I was mad. I know I shouldn't have done that, but it was that or break him in half.

He said he'd be back and that if I didn't have his package, I'd regret it. I regret ever meeting him, so he's right about regretting anything else that happens.

I laughed in his face when he threatened to tell Lionel about my true relationship with Lex. I guess I shouldn't have bragged that Lionel already knows how much his son loves to play with my assets. Lex is probably going to be angry with me. He went away on business for the weekend, but there's no way I'm going to get him involved in any of this. There's no way I'm going to let Edge use Lex again.

I would have been afraid of somebody like him a few years ago, but now Edge is the least of my worries. I better ask Dad what he thinks I should do. Maybe I should just give it back. It's not like they can read what it says or what it's about.

Now I know why Lionel was so fascinated with the caves. I always thought it was because they were connected to me. I thought it was because of Lex. I guess I was wrong.

This sucks. I didn't think that my return was going to be perfect and happy, but I didn't need this. The other night when I stopped by to see Lex, it was so nice. It almost felt like old times. We played pool and almost managed to finish a game before I pushed him onto the table and kissed him until he was incoherent. After that, we went up to his room and had the most amazing sex. It felt so good to be equals in bed. When I'm me, it feels more like we're both in control. I like it better this way. Life is perfect with him, now if only everything else would fall into place.

 

05 @ 09:42 pm

I spent almost all weekend unpacking and putting everything back where it belonged -- well sort of everything. Some of my things went up to the loft instead of my room. I kind of like it way more out here than I do in my bedroom. Here in the loft I can be alone. I don't have to feel like I need to talk to mom and dad all the time. I know I just got back, but it feels stifling having them there all the time. I used to like it. I never felt like they were holding me back or making me feel like I was somehow penned in. Over the summer, I had so much independence, and it's hard to let that go. I want to be free all the time. I don't want to do chores or clean my room or any of those things.

I don't want to do my homework either. It feels wrong, or I feel wrong. I sort of talked to Dad about it and he told me to give it time. He understood about some of what I was feeling. I didn't tell him that I sometimes wished I was back in the city, but I think he knew. He said he could see it in my eyes that I wasn't quite comfortable with being back. He even asked if I regretted making the choice to stay. I know I don't regret it. I just feel almost like a stranger. It's weird.

Lex finally came home today. I called him up and invited myself over. As soon as I saw him, I felt alive again. I'd spent the whole weekend in an almost-bored haze, but seeing Lex with his smirk and that way he has of tilting his hips at me as if he's saying 'I dare you to jump me now' I had to touch. I couldn't resist. I tried to make small talk. He said he had some unfinished business to clean up and that his weekend was boring. He looked very happy to see me and when I pushed him up against the wall and kissed him hard, there was no way I was going to wait even the few minutes it would have taken us to go up to his room. I stripped him and pulled him over to the sofa, got down on my knees and sucked him until he came. Then I fucked him. I love that feeling of frenzied sexual release.

What the hell is happening to me? I can't even be away from Lex for a few days without my hormones exploding into an embarrassing public display of heat.

After the wonderful orgasm where I came inside him and he grabbed handfuls of my hair, we collapsed in a sweaty heap on his furniture. I didn't want to leave, but we don't live together anymore. That's not so bad since he does live a five-second run away.

I didn't bother taking a shower after I got home since I knew Dad wanted me to finish tonight's chores so he and mom could get busy. I'm very sure that is what's happening right this second. I think I'm going to sleep out in the loft tonight.

 

08 @ 09:44 pm

It was too good to be true that I hadn't heard from Edge for a few days. Yesterday while mom and dad were out, he showed up with a few stooges in tow. They weren't playing around this time. Somehow Edge found out about my weakness to the green rocks. He showed up on the farm and threatened to hurt everybody close to me. When he pulled out that rock I was so stunned, I told him where I had the map. He didn't stop there. He said Lionel would be very interested in me so he duct-taped me up and his henchmen threw me in the back of a truck. Luckily, by the time the truck had stopped, I managed to break free and blow the truck up while I was in it, so that Edge would think that I'm died. At least I hope so. I don't ever want to see him again.

I ran home and cleaned up before my parents found me in my dirty, shredded clothing. It was annoying. At least now I'm rid of that stupid map and my life can go back to normal, like hanging out with my friends. Pete stopped by the other day and we went out to a movie. It was nice to do something simple. He talked nonstop about some girl he's been seeing. It's nice that some things never change. I declined to be set up on a blind date. I almost said she just isn't my type unless she has balls, but Pete pulled out his usual 'Lana isn't going to date you' routine and I let him.

Now I'm here at school in the Torch office. Chloe's been really quiet these past few days and not as available as usual. Every time I run into her she tells me she has something urgent to take care of. Lana hasn't said much either. I'm sure things will get back to normal. Maybe I should apologize again for the things I said and did to her.

 

12 @ 01:12 pm

I know things have changed. I'm the cause of some of those changes. I chained him to the bed, thinking at the time, while under the influence of the red kryptonite, that I was doing the right thing. Sometimes late at night, I think about what I did. I won't forget any of it as long as I live. Lex is scarred for life because of what I did. He stays with me and he looks into my eyes and I see love and understand and acceptance, but every once in a while I see something else. I see sadness.

We had a good time the other night. He stopped by when I was doing chores and it almost felt like before. I almost felt like the summer had never happened. I forgot for just a moment that any of those things had ever been a part of my life. I think it was the happiest I've felt since I returned from the city. I felt overjoyed when he showed up at the farm after I'd thought for sure that he was dead, but this was different. I felt like the weight of the world was gone.

 

13 @ 03:07 pm

Dad and I had an argument last night. After dinner, I went out to do some of the chores. I even did his share so my parents could have some alone time. I was in a good mood. To be honest, I wanted to be alone, and sometimes when I do chores with Dad, I feel like he watches me. I don't know what the hell he's looking for. 

For some reason, he came out after all, instead of staying in with Mom, and then he just stood there watching as I lifted the tractor to move it to the side so I could sweep 'The fun stuff I love to do so much'. Suddenly out of the blue, he asks me about the ring. The ring I wear everywhere I go. The one Lex gave me. I didn't lie. I told him where it was from and how I got it. This is totally my fault. I wasn't thinking because I was too busy concentrating on dirt. Can I blame this one on dirt?

He voiced the opinion that he's not happy about my true relationship with Lex. I was stunned. I thought he'd finally accepted us, but it seems like that isn't the case. He said I'm too young to know what I want, etc.: the usual bullshit. I managed to keep my temper in check. There was shouting and I broke a shovel when I threw it into the wall. Dad wasn't impressed, but I didn't care about a stupid shovel. 

I told him point blank that this is what I want. I told him that I would never change my mind. I'm glad for what I said. I won't take it back and I don't care what he thinks.

This morning at breakfast he was quiet and Mom gave us both looks, so I know he didn't say anything to her. I just can't believe Dad is so pigheaded. I was going to talk to him, but he made excuses and was out the door before I could say a word. I ran to school to burn off energy. I wanted to fly away. I was so tempted. I did it once. I could try it again. I could take Lex away from all this.

On top of that, Pete gave me grief first thing. I told him to shut up and I just walked away. I haven't talked to him since, but I will apologize for sure because it wasn't his fault. I was in a bad mood. I can't take that out on him. I feel so trapped. 

I need to fly.

 

15 @ 02:29 pm

My parents told me this morning that because I ran away over the summer and because I'm at risk of running away again, I have to go see a shrink! My first appointment is today after school. I was not happy to hear this the first thing this morning. My parents didn't tell me about it until today. Dad looked unhappy about it and my parents were having an argument as I left for school this morning.

I reassured Dad that I wouldn't tell some stranger my deepest, darkest secrets. It's not like I'd blurt out whom I'm dating and other stuff Dad doesn't want people to know. I've never liked to talk to anybody about my personal life. Now I have to go meet some stranger and tell him all my secrets. No way. I'm not going to do it. I'll go because Mom wants me to go, but there is no way I'm going to tell them why I ran away from home and what I did all summer.

I can just see it now. 'Yes doc, I tied a man up and fucked him really hard, repeatedly.'

Maybe I should have stayed in the city with Lex. He'd never make me go see some strange person. Mom wrote me a reminder note because I am three. I have to go to the town medical center to see this doctor. 

On a much better note, yesterday I went to see Lex at his place. It felt so good to be with him. I have to admit, I couldn't keep my hands off him. We went up to his room and had the best sex. It's always great with him. He looked amazing. 

When I got home and Dad asked where I'd been, I told him the truth. I know I shouldn't have, but I was still angry with him for what he'd said about Lex the other day. It shouldn't still be like this. He should be past all that. 

I almost forgot to give Mom her present on Monday. It was her birthday, and Dad took her out to dinner. I don't have as much spending money as I had over the summer so I could only afford to get her a 'Greatest mom in the world' mug. Lamest gift ever, but she said she liked it. I also did all the chores that day and I plan to do them all weekend. 

 

16 @ 05:22 pm

I went to my very first counselor appointment. She had this file in front of her about me. I sneaked a look at it. All my encounters with the law were in the file. Even the accident on the bridge was there.

She seemed really nice, but I told her that I didn't plan on running away again any time soon. I told her I thought I didn't need to be there. She still made me stay the full forty-five minutes. I have to go every Thursday after school and she said that everything we talk about would be kept private. 

Her office is small and she has all these books behind her desk. She even has a bowl of candy on top of her desk. She asked me where I wanted to start, and then suggested that I tell her why I ran away. What was I supposed to say to that? I was kind of in a bad mood so I told her what my dad had said to me in the hospital after Mom lost the baby. I still can't forget his words and the way he looked at me. She asked me all these questions about my dad. I didn't say much but I didn't lie.

I was glad when it was over and I rushed out of there as fast as I could. I ran out to a field and sat alone for a few hours. I knew that if I went straight home, I would have blown up at my parents. They didn't do anything wrong, I just feel out of place now. I haven't felt like I belong since I came home from my adventures in the city.

 

18 @ 09:09 pm

Did they think that everything was going to be perfect once I was home? That I was going to pretend like nothing had ever happened, that I could forget that the baby is gone because of what I did? 

Sometimes it's hard to even look at my mom. I love my parents so much. They've sacrificed so much for me and for us as a family. I'm trying hard. At least I think I am. I realized that I spend most of my time since I've been home either at school, at the mansion with Lex, or up in the loft. I still haven't talked to Dad much this past week.

I went over last night to see Lex. Even when I go over there and we just sit together, I feel more comfortable with him than I do at home. Everybody keeps saying give it time. Things will go back to normal. They're wrong. Nothing will ever go back to normal because I'm not normal! Nothing about me is normal. It never has been and it never will be. 

Maybe I should just face that. Maybe I just need to accept who and what I am and move on.

 

21 @ 12:54 pm

So bored! Class first thing this morning was so boring. I wished I'd stayed home to finish up some work for Dad. At least then I would have gotten something productive done. Since I don't have a car of my own (I miss that Lamborghini), Pete has been giving me rides to school in the morning. He stopped in this morning to pick me up. I appreciate that he's concerned about me. I appreciate that everybody is concerned about me, but it's getting tiresome. 

I want everybody to just go on with his or her lives and leave me alone. I just want to move forward. Why can't they believe me when I say I'm fine? Pete isn't convinced. He thinks I need somebody nice in my life. I told him I'm fine with who I have. When he asked for specifics this time I wanted to tell him the truth. I was thinking about how loyal and supportive Lex has been through everything that's happened. I wish I could just tell Pete about Lex and be done with it. 

Maybe I will. I'm a little tired of him insisting that all I need is a nice girl to make me feel better. He even brought up Lana and said he thought that things between Lana and Chloe are rocky. I think Pete's just making stuff up. Chloe and Lana looked just fine to me when I saw them in the hallway this morning. I haven't had much time to talk at length to either of them, but they both look content. 

Mom and Dad are another story. I have to go see the therapist again tomorrow. I'm already dreading it. This time I'll just sit there and say nothing. I have nothing to say. I wish Mom would back off on this. Can't she tell that all I want is to be left alone? In the end, I know it's what she wants, so I'll do it for her, because I can't stand to see the sadness in her eyes. I wish things were like they used to be, but things change, people change -- I changed. I'm never going to be the same again. 

Sometimes I go to the storm cellar, just sit, and stare. Dad rebuilt it over the summer. He did a great job. I don't regret for one second what I did to it, but the fallout has been harsher than I could have ever imagined. Consequences suck. 

 

22 @ 10:01 am

I ended up calling Lex from school to ask if he was up for some company, so we arranged a dinner date. When I finally got home from school, Dad was busy doing some heavy work and I took over. I don't want him to hurt himself. He hasn't been the same since he came after me in the city. I know he was hurt way more than he's willing to let on, and I think he might still be feeling the effects.

Once I was done with chores, I told my parents that I'd be having dinner with Lex. At least this time Dad didn't give me the look -- the one he used to give me whenever I talked about Lex. 

I ran to the mansion, and we had dinner. I like to hear Lex talk about things. I didn't even care what he talked about as long as he talked. He seems a bit wary about his dad, but then I don't blame him. After everything that's happened, I'm willing to bet he'll keep a very close eye on the old man.

After dinner, we went up to his private rooms. It's nice to have that. I lost all that when I came back. My loft isn't the most private place and my bedroom is still a walk-in-whenever-I-feel-like-it zone as far as my parents are concerned. Not that they walk in on me and stuff. It's just not as private as it was when I was living alone. I miss being my own boss.

It was relaxing to be with Lex. I could be myself with him. 

I didn't want to leave last night. Before, back in the city we could have just fallen asleep and woken up together, but I had to be home because it was a school night.

Now I'm at school and I don't want to be here. I want to go out running. I want to be doing anything else but this. I dread that I have to go to see the therapist today at five.

@ 09:52 pm

Okay, so I went in thinking there was no way I was going to say a thing to her at all. Then somehow we end up talking about whether I have a girlfriend or boyfriend. She actually asked if I have a boyfriend! She must have figured out that I'm gay. How could she know? My parents didn't tell her much about my personal life. I asked Dad as soon as I walked in the door after I got back from my session if they'd told her I was gay. Dad said they'd never do anything to betray my personal life. So why are they making me see this woman?

Of course I told her that I don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend. Then she started to ask me all these questions about how that makes me feel. Since I lied about not having a significant other, I told her I felt just fine about it.

She totally knows that I am gay. She must. She didn't come out and say it, but she must know. There's no other explanation. At least I survived another session, and went straight to my room after chastising my dad even though it turned out that he didn't tell her about my sexual preference. If he had, it would be a whole lot easier. 

Mom just came into my room to check on me. She brought me pie and a glass of milk. I feel bad that I freaked earlier, and I told her that I'm fine with seeing the therapist. I want her to be happy. I even agreed to do the farmers' market with them this Saturday morning. 

The pie was awesome.

 

24 @ 11:22 pm

I had a better time at the market than I thought I would. Not only did I have to wake up early to get everything ready, which was cool, but also I stood and watched as my new doctor walked through the market place and then ran into Lex. 

She made it look like a chance meeting but it didn't look like an accident to me. It looked deliberate. It looked like she was there hoping to run into Lex She did stop at our stand to say hello and even bought something to make it look like she was just there to make some friendly neighbor small talk.

It couldn't have been a coincidence. There's no way. Does she suspect about Lex and me? I mean, the whole town knows about our friendship. They all know that I saved his life at that accident and her family has lived here for a long time. I should investigate her. What if she's up to something? What if she's trying to get to Lex?

I sound way too paranoid, but I can't help it. She stopped and shook hands with Lex and they talked, but they were too far away for me to hear what they were saying. Eventually it just drove me nuts so I went over to say hello. She wrapped things up and told Lex it was nice meeting him. I didn't want to sound paranoid with Lex, so I didn't say anything right there, but after the things that his father has pulled, I don't know what to think.

Or maybe she was being nice and I'm just overreacting. It was still unnerving to see Lex and her talking. He was flirting with her. He does that all the time without even realizing it. It's cool. I don't mind that he flirts. It's not like he's not allowed to now that we're together.

I went by the mansion tonight just to make sure he didn't think I was trying to be jealous and stuff earlier in the day with the whole interrupting of his conversation. He seemed fine. He kissed damn fine. I wanted to have sex but we ended up just making out on the sofa in front of the fire. I still got horny, but I can't think with my dick all the time. He's probably still sore from the other night anyway. 

We kissed and groped each other then I popped some popcorn and we watched the fire. It felt good to relax like that. He looked lost in thought for a lot of the evening but I didn't mind. He's so gorgeous in firelight. I feel corny saying that about him, but his eyes glitter.

The farm is really quiet tonight. Mom and Dad are in the living room watch the news and reading the paper. They looked happy today. I'm glad I did the market with them. I told them I'd like to do it every weekend. I don't think I've seen Mom smile in a long time. It made me feel loved. Maybe I'm finally starting to settle down and leave that person I was in the city behind me.

 

28 @ 12:41 pm

It's been a good week so far. Things between my parents and me are better. Ever since the weekend, I've felt more myself. I'm looking forward to tonight because I'm going over to the mansion to see Lex. He's been busy over the last few days. 

I just wish he wouldn't blame himself for everything that goes wrong in the world. It's not his fault that Feegan left. It feels like an impossible task sometimes to convince him that the world isn't out to get him. His dad is such a jerk for making him think that way.

I rode to school this morning with Pete, and we're making plans to do something together this weekend. We're not sure what, but I think we need it. I've missed him. He doesn't hold anything I did while I was in the city against me. He saved all the news clippings from things that he thought were my doing. I went through them and told him which ones he got right. He was dead on with most of them.

I feel almost human again. I need to get my ass in gear for my next class. I also need to make an effort to talk to Chloe and Lana more. I've been keeping them at arm's length since I returned.

 

29 @ 02:56 pm

Dad kind of hinted this morning over breakfast that I might want to get a haircut today after my doctor's appointment. I like my hair the way it is. I haven't had it cut in over five months. It looks cool. I love when Lex runs his fingers through it. I wasn't going to tell Dad that Lex likes to hold onto my hair when I suck him off. That would probably not have been the right approach. It might just give him a heart attack to know that last night I got down on my knees and gave Lex a mind-blowing blowjob. 

I had such a great time last night with Lex. I went over after I had dinner with my parents. We fooled around and had all kinds of fun. The blowjob was only the beginning. 

I have so much to do today. Lex went to the city to see his dad. I hope he doesn't come back angry. Even if he does, we can just fuck his anger away. 

I'm finally starting to feel more at home again.

@ 06:35 pm

My doctor says I have anger issues. I went to my appointment, only this time Lex picked me up from school after class to give me a drive into town. He had an ulterior motive. He wanted to let me know that he'll be working for his father. I can't believe this. I was so angry with him when he told me. His father has been nothing but a pain. Did Lex forget all the things his dad has pulled? I haven't forgotten about the time he bugged Lex's office. He probably still watches those videos of us that he made. Pervert!

Lex dropped me off, and I was still angry when I went into the doctor's office. I practically yanked the door off its hinges. So they're going to have to have it fixed -- big deal. It's not like doctors don't make a ton of money. 

Once I was in, she asked why I was so mad. There was no way I could tell her the whole story so I just said that a close friend was making a huge mistake and that I had tried to talk him out of it. Then we talked about my dad because she seems to know what a hot temper he has, and she made some crack about it running in the family. I am adopted, so how can it run in the family? I know my biological father was a jerk from what I can tell. Maybe it's just in my blood, too. I feel better after talking about my biological father. I might have said too much because I told her all about how I hate him for trying to force me into being something I'm not. 

I'm still kind of angry with Lex. Why can't he just work someplace else? 

I hope she doesn't tell my parents about what I said. That would suck. I should talk to Dad about this. If I tell him ahead of time what happened, he'll understand. It would suck if he heard it secondhand. 

I was just so angry. I better try to keep calmer next time. I should go see Lex, or maybe I'll just stay in for the night. I'm bound to feel better in the morning, right?

 

30 @ 11:05 pm

I was a little wound up when I went over to see Lex tonight. It ended with him handcuffed to the bed and me fucking him hard. I know I left bruises but I just couldn't stop myself. I handcuffed his wrist and he looked amazing. His words of encouragement and trust were all I needed. The moment was perfect and I could pretend we were back in the city again and he was all mine.

I apologized afterwards for being so rough. I get hard when I think about it. I loved him and I loved it. I don't want it this way all the time, but some of the time. It just felt good to cut loose, and I was still little angry with him for working for his old man.


End file.
